Preview: “Reflections, Role Models, and Representation”

I was browsing the shelves at my local used bookstore when I noticed a number of titles by Jenny Han. Her series, To All The Boys I Loved Before, was popular among book bloggers. The cover, featuring Lara Jean Covey wistfully writing a love letter in her dreamy, romantic bedroom, mirrored an aesthetic that many teenagers and young women depicted on Instagram; curating their feeds and styling their rooms with the kind of sweet nostalgia that we aspired to in the 90’s: record players on the floor and polaroid photos on the walls and twinkling lights arranged above beds layered with pillows and soft textured blankets.  

Back then, it was rare to see Asian-Americans, never mind multi-racial Asians, in the media. There was Margaret Cho and Claudi Kishi (from The Babysitters Club series) and later Mulan. But for most of my upbringing, the heroines in the books I read or the movies I watched were white. Beyond their blonde hair and blue eyes, these characters were happy, bright, and looking for love. Dark-haired girls were typically portrayed as anti-social and intelligent (Daria), cool and sardonic (Janeane Garofalo), or dark and sinister (Wednesday Addams). With Nick at Night’s broadcast of classic 1960’s sitcoms, I noted at a young age that I Dream of Jeannie’s villainous double was a brunette dressed in a turquoise outfit, opposite from Jeannie’s cheerful blonde and pink Barbie-esque combo. 

The message I absorbed from the media was one that I was already living at an elite New England private school: You are different. My group of friends—from multi-racial and LGBT households— were hand-selected to create a diverse student body among children of the most powerful families in the country. 

I wasn’t considered pretty or popular, silently ostracized by not being invited to exclusive parties or chosen along the line of girls at school dances. I internalized the belief that certain kinds of girls were deserving of love—and I wasn’t one of them. I survived by leaning in to the mythology of the dark-haired girl: anti-social, intelligent, cool, and maybe a little sinister. I learned the best defense was an impenetrable offense.

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