Preview: “A Real Hero”

Here’s an excerpt from “A Real Hero,” a short story told only in dialogue based on Rebecca Elson’s poem, “Antidotes to Fear of Death.” This piece was originally published and shared with my readers on Patreon. Become a subscriber to access the full version of this story, as well as my library of short stories, essays, craft notes, and e-books.

Remember when we were in detention and Dave jumped out the window? 

Yes! He freaking jumped out a two-story window, marched to the arcade, and beat my high score at Revenge Quest while we sat in detention like chumps.

And Ms. Carter didn’t even notice! 

He only got that score because I wasn’t there to defend my title. 

I mean, you could have gone back?

Anyway, I feel like Ms. Carter probably realized what happened but then she was like, oh shit if this kid is really missing then it’ll be a whole situation and she thought it’d be easier to pretend he was in the bathroom or something. 

Yeah probably. 

What made you think of that?

I was just sitting here thinking that even if I climbed out my window there still wouldn’t be anything to do. 

What were we even in detention for?

I think that was the day Stan Lee died and we had a memorial service for him at lunch so we were late for Biology.  

Ohh right. Yeah that was dumb. Mr. Moore should have been more understanding. We were honoring a goddamn legend.  

Sometimes it’s crazy to think about some of the shit we got away with.

Like when you moved everything around Mrs. Wheeler’s room while we were taking the PSAT’s?

Lol yes. The last time I was at school her map of the world poster was still upside down. 

Or how we were all really upset after the active shooter drill, so you went out and got a bunch of donuts for everyone. 

Haha yes! Everyone was eating donuts and no one could figure out where they came from! 

But there are other times too when we’d get in trouble for like, nothing. 

The worst was when Mr. Nicholson got mad at Mackenzie for reading the newspaper in class, and then he punished everyone for it. 

I know!

You weren’t even there that day!

I know. I was getting over the worst flu of my life. I seriously thought I was never going to get better. And Nicholson tacked this inane assignment on all my catch-up work.  

A freaking current events report every night for a week.  

Isn’t that the kind of assignment they give third graders?

That’s when you know they’re just trying to fuck with you—when they come up with these weird punishments that just waste your life. 

Right?? I was like the fuck is this. 

Why didn’t you talk your way out of it?

I tried! But I was still at home recuperating and I don’t think my abilities translated over e-mail. 

Mr. Nicholson is just kind of a dick. 

I heard he got sick. 

Oh shit, really?

Yeah. 

Well, shit. 

Yeah. He was still a dick though. 

Oh definitely. 

Is it crazy that I remember all the articles?

For that assignment? Seriously?

lol yeah there was one about this guy being rescued from a deserted island, and one about a pizza shop owner who stopped a robber by throwing pizzas at them. And another one about a woman who went missing, but then her shoes were found at the grocery store. 

Damn dude. All I remember was Hadley kept clipping obituaries. 

That’s not very surprising. 

Hadley’s probably living for this situation. 

Get it?? *living*???

Goth pun!

But yeah she’s been waiting since middle school for a good plague. 

She totally called it. She was posting about it way before everyone else started taking it seriously. 

People are taking it seriously?

You know what I mean. 

Doesn’t she have family in Shanghai?

Yeah. 

So that’d make sense, that she’d know about it and be talking about it before everyone else. 

Well…

What?

I shouldn’t say. 

Well, now you have to.

To read the full version of “A Real Hero,” and access my library of short stories, craft notes, and e-books, subscribe to my Patreon page.